Title: What Possessed me to do THAT!?!
Pairing: Yazoo/Reno implied
Disclaimer: Obviously don’t own. Not mine. Shame, ne? Wish I did, like everyone else! ~^^~
Summary: Muhahaha, Reno's life on crack, and of course my version of a sequel of this story: He Always Gets What He Wants by
(one of the best fics ever! - read it, now - not like you would understand this if you haven't or anything...)
Warning: Reno's profanity. Enough said....well I guess there's the implied stuff too. Use you're imagination! ^^
Author’s notes: Uh...there will be numbers that will explain certain things and give you insight on the insanity that created this crack story...sequel...thing-y
Beta: amicablenemesis – also helped me with ideas...this is what being up 2/3 o'clock in the morning does to you...
Word count: 2076
Oh Shiva, oh Shiva, oh Shiva. What the Hell did I just do?! I was just screwed by a Sephiroth Remnant! In an alleyway! Against a wall! AND I ENJOYED IT!?!?!
Do you know what this means? Do you fucking know what this means?! Ah, who am I kidding, who the fuck is seriously going to answer me in my own head? I’m definitely losing it.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
Groaning both at the situation and in pain – my ass fucking hurts, yo!- I finally pulled my pants up, dusted myself off (take note that I wasn’t actually dustin’ off dirt and shit) and tried to look somewhat like I hadn’t just been fucked up against a dirty ass alleyway wall.
Then I remembered.
FUCK! I was just screwed by my enemy! It wasn’t even my effin’ fault! (Well I guess I didn’t exactly put up a fight) But still! I wasn’t even fuckin’ drunk! What the fuck am I going to do about ShinRa! That’s so fucking against company policy! There’s gotta be a rule somewhere about screwing the enemy! I can’t even use the “I’m a Turk and you’re obligated to love me!” line! I fucking BETRAYED ShinRa!
I think I just lost a part of my soul to the void of hell at that moment. It was also the same moment that an unexpected person came into my line of vision.
“Reno?” It wasn’t even a question, more like a word that was filled with utter hared.
Looking up from my depressed little alleyway corner – Damn fuckin’ alleyway was entirely responsible for my betrayal!
Fuck! I betrayed… I betrayed… oh Gaia… FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
“Eh, Reno, Fuck’s wrong with you? There’s a fight going on and you’re pissin’ your pants while hidden in a corner like some scared shitless puppy!” The devil in my own personal life yelled at me. As he continued to yell even more profanity at me I thought back to the fight, then to how I was trapped in an alleyway, and fuck if it didn’t get me all hot and bothered again! Then I remembered what the result of that particular fiasco was and another chunk of my soul flew into that spirally void of Hell to its utter burning damnation.
“Cid,” I answered the evil in my life, the devil himself. The arrogant asshole who thought he was a better pilot than me! ME! Of all people! – Don’t worry baby only I will pilot you – The bane of my existence. The one who I wish to burn in Hell more than Sephiroth, himself, and all his little minions, more than Kadaj, more than Yazoo – Oh Gaia, not going down that road, nope not going, Reno listen to me, we are not going down that very pleasurable, but very bad, very bad, bad, bad, road – Uh… where was I?
My attention came back to the foe in front of me, who was looking at me like I had just grown another head and slept with some non-human super creature – uh wait… I did, well not the head part but – Shit! I need to stop doing that, yo! Right, back to the Akuma before me.
It was just then, when Cid’s eyes widened and took on a green tone, that I realized I had just said all of that out loud.
“It’s not what you think!” I cried. Yes Reno, real smart, use the stereotypical line that only incriminates you further.
I waited in apprehension and fear – Yes, fear, I just said I betrayed ShinRa – Fuck… I still can’t believe I… fuck, fuck, fuck! – Who knows what he’ll say to my partner – Oh Shiva! To Rufus! I’m so fuckin’ screwed. Needless to say my thought processes was really fucked up as I watched Cid compose himself and start fiddling with his toothpick. What was he gonna say?
“You’re still a far ways from my caliber in piloting, kid.”
Then he simply turned and walked away, washing his hands of my insanity. Just like that, muttering about how I’d finally lost it. That sexist, aged old ass-hat of a gutter dwelling inbred… Fool!
“Yeah, well you’re a wall!” I shouted after him, “of PASTE!” Yeah, not my best comeback. I mean wall (blocking out… blocking out…let’s avoid that road once more) of paste. I think I’ll just pretend that pathetic moment of my life never happen. Just like how I’m going to forget all about that fantastic fucking inter-species sex. Ah! What the fuck am I saying?! How am I supposed to forget about that?! It was so fucking fantastic, yo! But… But… I betrayed ShinRa! Fuuuuuck! I went back to my corner and another chunk of my soul broke off and burned to charcoal in the infernos of that damn void. Half of my soul is gone! I’ve been ruined for marriage!  Not like that's ever going to happen, I mean I’m a Turk, yo! (Among other reasons...)
There was shuffling about the entrance of my alleyway – the damnation of my soul continued, but hey, if being damned means being fucked up against a wall by my enemy in the most fucking fantastical way, then Hell yeah! Sign me up! I’m good for soul damnation! Oh. Wait. I already did that when I signed up with ShinRa. FUCK! I betrayed ShinRa! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!! – I thought it might have been Rude, shit… how the hell am I going to explain this one?! But when I looked up, I didn’t see my partner (That by betraying ShinRa, I betrayed him. Rude, I’m sorry, yo…) but that damn horny kleptomaniac princess from Wutai!
“Reno!” I heard her scream in the most ‘cat scratching on glass’ voice. There goes another chunk of my soul. Bye soul. Enjoy burning in Hell.
“Yuffie, go away, can’t you see I’m sulking?!” I growled out and went back to the wall that I had started to mope against. “I do not want your babies right now and I have nothing valuable either, not even my pride remains shatteredless!” That’s right! I said shatteredless! So what if it’s not a word, shove it!
Yuffie just looked at me as if I had just been fucked up against a wall and missed it – oh wait, she did. Which I must say, I am fucking glad about! Nothing like making an awkward situation worse. Not like I would have cared much at the time, I mean I don’t even remember when my cheek connected to the wall, not to mention those claw marks engraved on it…Moving on now!
“Well, I’ll just leave you to your sulking.” The she-demon said; even without looking at her I knew she was pouting at my immediate rejection. Well sorry! Pardon me that I don’t have anything for you to steal, yo! Be it attention or materia! Argh! I can’t believe I betrayed ShinRa! And for what?! Sex! I mean I love sex just as much as the next guy – okay maybe a more – but it’s ShinRa! My lovable company that can’t live without my whorshipable nature!
Huh? I completely missed Yuffie leaving me to my corner.
I snorted. Didn’t miss much there.
I think it was about an hour later that I heard Rude’s steady approach – damn I must have been really out of it to mistake overactive YUFFIE for my serious partner. Must have been that mind blowing orgasm…that’s it. Can you die from that? What a way to go, yo! I decree from this moment on, that if and when I’m going to die, it shall be from the most fantastimagical orgasm ever!
Right, where was I? Ah, yes Rude. My cuddly bald partner was standing and staring at me. I know you can’t see his eyes behind his shades, but I know. I know he’s staring at me! What else would he be staring at? The claw marks in the wall… oh shit!
“Rude! Buddy ole pal!” I said startled, I wasn’t thinking of anything perverted, nope, me, not at all.
“Reno. Where the hell were you? You left me in a fight, then Yazoo came back mentioning something about getting what he wanted to Loz just before they both took off. Rufus, our crazy boss, jumped off a building after Kadaj, who later, in his fight with Cloud turned into Sephiroth… of course, the great hero defeated him once more, but we had all thought you were dead until Cid and Yuffie started complaining about how you had finally jumped off the deep end. Not to mention-are those claw marks?” Rude lectured as he went on to tell me all about what I had missed, but then, he mentioned those damn claw marks.
“Claw marks?! What claw marks?! I don’t see any claw marks!!” I yelled in my defense as I stood up so fast that I think my exhaustion kicked in and my sight blackened a bit. Fuck. There goes my adrenaline.
Rude just stared at me for a moment then went on, something that I loved my partner for, oh so much! “As I was saying, not to mention Tifa was depressed about the possibility of one of her best customers being dead. You should be more considerate of other people Reno.” I take it back. That traitor cares more about someone who’s just worried about income than the person who could’ve been killed. Not to mention. Fucked senseless by the exotic and beautiful enemy! Thanks a lot Rude. Love you too.
Wait?! Did I say “if” earlier in regards to my death? (Random thoughts much?) I can’t… die! I won’t die!
“I AM IMMORTAL!” I screamed and shook my fist to the sky above. Unfortunately, Cloud had just walked in at that moment, saw me, and looked at Rude. Then murmured something that I swear was profanity, and returned his vision to me with a look that I could best describe as ‘someone just kicked my puppy’.
Silence was met by my twitching. Those damn claw marks were still behind me. What to do? What to do?
“Reno.” Rude tried as he startled me out of my inner insanity. (Insanity? Yes insanity.) Cloud of course, just looked on in concealed curiosity. That’s right he was curious! How could you not be curious of me?! I’m awesome, yo!
“Where were you?” Rude continued, breaking my train of thought, again. That traitor!
“Where was I? Hehe… What you’d think I would just skip an important fight, betray ShinRa and all that shit?! I’m loyal yo! I wouldn’t betray ShinRa just to be screwed by the enemy! I’m not one to be backed into an alleyway or something and get molested, yo! How could you think that?! I have self-control! I’m not sex-driven or anything! I would never go against company policy or anything. Shiva! What the hell is wrong with you Rude! I love ShinRa! I wouldn’t be having fucking fantastic sex with a Sephiroth clone with imposing eyes and ungodly beautiful hair or anything! Those aren’t my claw marks on the wall! I’m a seme, for Gaia’s sake! Fuck you, yo!” I heaved out, barely breathing as I then took in deep gulps of air. Composing myself and coughing, I arrogantly strolled out of the alleyway. Serves them right, yo!
Of course once I was out of the place responsible for my damnation and loss of half of my soul (more so than ShinRa) I practically pissed my pants at seeing a disturbed looking Rufus to my left. I then did what any sane (or insane in my case…pretty sure I lost some of my more important brain cells from that…uh…heavy workout I had a little while ago…) employee of ShinRa would do after confessing to betraying the company; I immediately bolted to my right.
After having run farther than needed, and feeling slightly safer (it’s Rufus, you can never be too sure), I slowed to turn checking for followers. My luck would have it, I turned back and slammed directly into someone’s leather clad arms. I really need to find that shop…
I looked up and swore.
“Want another round toy? I’d be very happy to oblige. After all, I always get what I want.” The silver haired remnant stated with a smile. That creepy smile that made me just want to shit myself all over again.
I’m so screwed. Literally.
 Akuma means...demon of sorts...  Wall of Paste....inside look into my personal life. I actually got really mad, but couldn't come up with something to say as an isult so I called them a Wall of Paste. Really random, but at 2:30 in the morning it seemed to work...  Loved that line in the original. ^^  My friend told me this had something to do with some anime - cookie for whomever gets it - but I found it really amusing so I put it in.